Except, you know, some of the simple things we've done every day of our lives, like ...
#7. Pooping


The one who just threw up on the other one's shoulder is better at pooping.

Future toilets will exist just to kill us.
Luckily, there's a relatively simple way to end this poop dilemma. A 2003 study observed 28 people pooping in three positions: sitting on a high toilet, sitting on a lower one and squatting like they were catchers at a baseball game (catcher's mitt optional, but encouraged). After initially being mistaken for a German porn company, the researchers found that pooping took about a minute less when done squatting and that participants rated the experience as "easier" (God, we hope they were getting paid).
In fact, toilets that require you to squat that way have been the standard for most of human history and are still widely used in the non-Western world.

And urban centers of the Western world.

For no reason, here's an icing pipe.

Demonstrated here.
#6. Bathing


That's what college is for.
Before recent modern conveniences, people bathed less often, and frequently in the same water. Even nowadays, showering doesn't kill bacteria or other microorganisms, though it does move them around. A colony of bacteria living on your shower wall might move to your leg; a colony from your leg might move to your head; a colony from your groin might even take up residence on your hands. For this reason, surgeons in many hospitals are not allowed to shower right before operating.

Not even you, Doctor McPenishands!

"Say what you like, but you have to admit my bones are super shiny!"
The most important thing to do to keep the skin healthy is to preserve the horny layer. There's no magic number of showers each week, though it's generally agreed that the number would fall somewhat shy of seven. Skipping showers, or, if you'd like a fancy French term, celebrating sans douche days, gives your skin time to repair some of the damage that the last shower caused.

Any more than a day and there's no amount of French that'll get rid of Eau de Sewer.

"Kids, ignore your father while I try to remember why I married him."
#5. Breathing


You're also suddenly aware that you're breathing now.

Shown here as the white mass on the bottom of this X-ray of Tom Cruise (may not actually be Tom Cruise).
Chest breathing also tends to upset the blood's oxygen/carbon dioxide balance and can lead to headaches, fatigue, anxiety and even panic attacks. According to one expert, you're also potentially suffering from sweaty palms, difficulty relaxing, heightened pain perception and general fatigue.

Or as most people call it -- a "first date."
It turns out that breathing is one area in which babies are much smarter than you. Babies use a deeper type of respiration called abdominal breathing, which strengthens and makes full use of their diaphragms. It's only as we grow older that we revert to the more inefficient style. Luckily, you can train your body to go back to breathing properly, and over time, you can even breathe abdominally in your sleep.

Not to be confused with snoring, which is just breathing abominably.

Try this now at work, and observe as people kindly give you more breathing space!

"I'll have you know this exercise is recommended by my doctor."