26 Sexy Halloween Costumes That Shouldn't Exist

Halloween and geek conventions have one awesome thing in common: They give women an excuse to wear outfits that their own sense of modesty and dignity would otherwise never allow them to leave the house in.

Therefore, the costume industry struggles mightily to come up with a "sexy" version of every single costume ever made. The results cover the spectrum from laughable to terrifying.

Sexy Guitar

Wait, is she supposed to be a guitar? Or just a fan of guitars? A guitar advocate? In any case, the neck of the instrument is jammed through her skull, and it's going to take forever to get that thing back in tune.

Sexy Marionette

We know for a damn well fact that there is at least one porno out there with this theme. We also know for a fact that not a single non-serial killer has masturbated to it.

This can also be said about ...

Sexy Female Michael Jackson

Really stop and think about the target audience for this costume: heterosexual males who have sex fantasies about Michael Jackson.

We're not saying those guys don't exist; we're saying that if you're a sexy young lady who goes home with one of them, next year he's going to be wearing your face as a mask for Halloween.

Sexy Nemo

We hope we're not out of line when we say that imagining yourself boning a fish -- or any character from a Disney/Pixar film, really -- means you're probably due for some counseling.

Then again, this costume is less "Nemo" and more "Prostitute who murdered Nemo and is wearing his skin to entice johns."

Sexy Chinese Takeout

Yes, that is a fortune cookie on her head. And, no, we don't know if she's supposed to be the actual Chinese takeout or if she's supposed to be delivering it. What we do know is that while it's not impossible, it's incredibly difficult to get a boner from racism.

Sexy Big Bird

Nothing says sexy like Big Bird's shrunken, disembodied head casually eating the skull of a delusional 80s pop star who's checking her shoe for dog turds. Honestly, how far down the list of common sex fantasies do you have to go before you find goddamned Big Bird --

-- Wait, what the fuck? There's more than one of these costumes out there? And both of them make it look like Big Bird is eating the woman's cranium? And they both use the same freaking pink platform shoes? This demands further investigation.

Oh, wait. No. It doesn't.

Sexy Darth Vader

Our first thought upon seeing this was, "ASS!" But our second thought was that behind that mask is either a decaying Sith lord on life support or Hayden Christensen.

Though we admit that the Star Wars prequels would be considered the best films of all time if the third ended with Palpatine saying, "Rise, Lord Vader," and out stepped that.

Sexy Sentient House

That is a cat behind that crotch-level door. There has to be a pun there somewhere, but for the life of us, we can't figure out what it might be.

Sexy Barbie Knockoff

We love how they had to stick the box on there so you'd know it's a Barbie (sorry, "Pretty Polly") costume. Otherwise it's just a lady in a one-piece and a bad wig. We hope you weren't planning on eating or drinking anything at your costume party, honey. Or moving your arms. Or breathing too much.

Though if she gets drunk and vomits inside there, you'll wind up with probably the best Halloween party photo of your life.

Sexy Naked Woman

If you're going to have a body suit to make you look naked, you should probably get one that A) has some genitals and B) doesn't have huge wrinkles. Unless you're going as a genital-free humanoid, four months after gastric bypass surgery.

Sexy Pimp

Well, hell, you put that outfit on a woman and it just looks stupid.

Sexy Female Elvis

We even tried to force this one to be sexy by imagining her having sex with Priscilla. Seriously, don't do that.

Sexy Ninja Turtle

This is the laziest costume we've ever seen. Do you see the sad, tiny little turtle shell strapped to her back? The one that in no way corresponds to the shell pattern on her torso? And think about this: The Ninja Turtles didn't wear clothes. Look it up. Which means that her skirt is actually a part of her presumably grotesquely deformed turtle body.

Check out the rest over at Cracked.com

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