Why Winter Sucks

[via holytaco] We live in Southern California for a reason: we hate winter. Winter is the time of year when every other living thing chooses to either die or hide, but for some reason we humans choose to just put on a giant coat and power through it. If you're one of the millions of people who live in a climate that actually has a winter season, then here are some good reasons to absolutely hate it:


On a graph of Coolness, snow follows the same exact curve as showering with your dad: it might seem cool and exciting when you're a little kid, but it really starts to suck as you get older. Especially when your dad gets to the point where he can't control his bowels anymore.  In fact, snow is sort of Nature's version of diarrhea. It's not quite a solid, and not quite a liquid, but whatever it falls on it completely f*cks up. It's sky shit, and in the winter your city is full of it.  That's nasty, dude.


Ice is like Samantha from Bewitched: She's only tolerable when her powers can be harnessed for your own selfish gains. If it's floating in a glass of whiskey or giving bears a surface to play hockey on, then ice is awesome. In the wild, though, ice is a complete bitch, and if she's left to her own, she'll make your life a living hell.  Over the course of their life, a person who lives in a cold climate will spend an average of 12 full years scraping ice off of their windshield.  That statistic is entirely made up, but there's still some truth behind it. And ice doesn't only accumulate on cars, either. Ice on roadways is responsible for thousands of accidents every year, which is exactly why your insurance company will not accept "weather" as the cause of an accident, unless it can be considered an act of God.  On the plus side, though, ice has a sick sense of humor, because as horrible as slipping on ice is, there's nothing in the world that's funnier than seeing a fat person slip on ice in public.

Girls Get Fat

It's a fact: people have less sex in the winter.  That alone should be enough to make you drop kick the head off of the next snowman you see and moving to a warmer climate, but it's not just shrinkage and treacherous weather that's keeping you from getting any action during the winter months.  Chicks get considerably less sexual as the days grow shorter and the temperature drops. They stop worrying about fitting into their swimsuits, start eating like pigs, and let their leg hair grow until it's long enough to braid.  This all stems from one very simple fact: they know they have three months to cover every single piece of exposed skin on their body like an Inuit blubber harvester.  Drunken one night stands turn into a game of "am I really drunk enough to f*ck that hairy skin fold under all that fleece".  Hey Winter, we don't like that game.  We don't like it one bit.

It's F*ckin' Cold

You may not believe this, but apparently there are some people who enjoy living in really cold climates, where your nose runs all the time, and you can't shower in the morning because if you leave the house with wet hair you'll literally catch pneumonia, and you have to put on fifteen layers of clothes just to walk to the bar down the street, and once you get there it takes you 25 minutes to take off all your shit and pile it up next to you, but then right after you get done your friend is like, "oh, sweet, I just got a text from Matt. He said he wants to meet up with us at this other bar. Let's head over there" and then you have to put all of your shit back on just so you can walk down the street with a runny nose and then have to take it all back off again. I am not one of those people.

Your Clothes Get All Jacked Up

If you have any clothes that you ever want to wear again, you'd better put them away for the winter. As soon as you step outside into the crisp winter day, any fabric that you're wearing instantly becomes soaking wet.  If it's a decent winter, then the sidewalks will be covered in salt to keep the ice from forming on the concrete, and any part of your pants that's within three feet of the sidewalk is going to soak up salt water. Any idiot who's been dropped into the Dead Sea from a helicopter knows that salt water does absolutely atrocious things to clothes, and during the winter your entire city is covered in the stuff.  I guess that's why people buy those big stupid snow boots, but nobody has ever successfully picked up a chick while wearing big stupid snow boots, and anyone who says they did is a big gay liar.

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