10. Ringtone Rap
With an assist from autotune (which should be called autoimmune, because it’s rap destroying itself), this phenomenon killed the most significant new genre of music to come along in the last 30 years. As an artist, Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em makes M.C. Hammer look like M.C. Escher. Kids growing up during this phase of hip-hop are going to try to claim that the reign of rappers like Flo Rida and Gucci Mane were the good ol’ days of rap. I can’t wait to hear what rap is going to sound like 25 years from now. They’ll be probably be remaking Chamillionaire songs. In that case, I hope 2012 actually unleashes the apocalypse upon us.
9. The Snuggie
Speaking of reasons why we deserve this world to end, the Snuggie has to be near the top of that list. Just how effing lazy has humankind become? I mean, this is a god damn bib cloaked as a backwards robe. You don’t need blankets. You don’t need napkins. You don’t need even clothes. I’m somewhat surprised they didn’t design the Snuggie to allow you to defecate and piss in it.
8. John Travolta/Nicolas Cage
It’s like they’re having a Face/Off to see who can make more cinematic shitfests. Battlefield Earth started the decade off on the wrong foot, and the National Treasure series is anything but its namesake. On the other hand, they have to pay off all those mansions, planes and wigs somehow, right? It also seems like they’re having a contest to see who can be the bigger eff up. Travolta did his part by joining Scientology — a religion that actually embraces Tom Cruise as its poster boy — and refusing to admit that his son had autism. Cage countered by naming his son after Superman (Kal-El? Seriously? I love Batman, but I’m not going to name my son Bruce Wayne Best.) and forgetting to pay his taxes. And don’t even get me started on their hair, both facial and up top.
7. Bill Belichick
What a great role model for young people who aspire to make a livelihood out of sports. The New England Patriots coach cheats more than Tiger Woods, dresses like a vagrant, reeks of arrogance and thinks everybody else is expendable in a “team” sport (even if he doesn’t say that, he obviously does). I’m thrilled he was arguably both the most successful and famous coach of this decade. Really bodes well for the future of sports.
6. Media Personalities
Dr. Phil. Perez Hilton. The View (especially Elizabeth Hasselbeck). Jimmy Fallon. Glenn Beck. I have a moderately successful reality show, and — BAM! — now I have my own magazine. How sad is it that Walter Cronkite, Tim Russert and Johnnie Carson died this decade, and these assclowns are their replacements? We actually listen to these goons? Just how impressionable is this country? I’m even a little saddened to see Oprah step down when I look around to see what else is out there. Sure, we have Colbert, O’Brien, Olbermann and Stewart around, plus Brokaw and Letterman are still kicking. But Jay Leno’s new joke of a show might be an all-time low in talk-show TV. Whoops, almost forgot that George Lopez now has his own show. That show’s so bad TBS spares us on Fridays. A decade that was ushered in by Jerry Springer ends like this. How appropriate.
5. Multiple Popped-Collar Polos
Popping the collar of one of their polos wasn’t enough for some of these dorks — they had to rock the double popped-collar look. Screw the double-douche look — images have surfaced revealing as many as four or five popped polos. How hot would five polos be during the Spring or Summer? And if it’s Winter, then why are you wearing two, three, four, five shirts, yet no sleeves? Chad Johnson’s Ocho Cinco nickname is pretty awesome. Frat Boy’s Polo Cinco nickname is not. These are the same idiots who probably double up on condoms. It’s almost like a star system for douchebags. “Bad news, Johnnie; you’re only a three-polo douchebag. The good news? The polos are pink, green and teal, so that basically makes you a 3.5.”
This “band” was arguably the most popular musical group of the decade. That alone explains how this list’s No. 1 happened. Nickelback makes me embarrassed to be a human being. I’m thankful my cats will never have to feel like that. Actually, they might have when Garfield came out. Nevermind. Nickelback wasn’t even the best band to emerge from their own garage. A pair of cockroaches, a rat and a Tickle Me Elmo doll take home that honor. Also, who says Canadians are nice? During this decade, China gave us SARS and Mexico gave us the swine flu, but both of those “gifts” pale in comparison to Canada’s Nickelback present. I’d honestly rather listen to Fran Drescher read every word of the new health bill than a Nickelback album.
My mom’s generation grew up looking up to Audrey Hepburn and Jackie O. My little sister is growing up with the Hiltons and Kardashians as role models. Instead of inspiring to be a woman working on the Hill, young women are more likely to want to be on The Hills. Just thrilled that my little sister thinks Kendra “Why Didn’t Chaney Shoot Her in the Face?” Wilkinson is cool. Since when did inheriting a fortune and giving sloppy head to D-list celebs on crappy home video cameras merit fame? This group is also responsible for the most definitive phrase of the decade, “that’s hot.” So profound.
2. Reality TV
Screw Gordon Gecko. Not only did greed cause the great bank bailout, but it also spawned reality TV, or lack of reality TV as I like to call it. Back during the big writers strike during the dawn of the decade, greedy studio execs decided they didn’t need scribes. They’d just film somewhat interesting real-life stuff and get Americans with meaningless, mundane lives hooked on it like crack. Sure, a few good, positive shows have emerged from this craze (Project Runway and Top Chef come to mind). But how pathetic have we become when we have to watch Jersey’s worst (Jersey Shore), My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé and William Hung in order to feel better about ourselves? Watching Charm School doesn’t exactly make one’s life charmed. Let’s hope this trend dies down a bit and that the 2000s will be remembered as that embarrassing decade where we were obsessed with OPP — other people’s problems.
1. George W. Bush
That we allowed this retard rancher to illegally wrangle one election was bad enough. But actually electing him to a second term? No wonder the rest of the world began to “misunderestimate” us. Wanna know why Barack Obama won the Nobel (besides breaking a color barrier many thought would never be broken)? Because he restored the world’s hope in a America; rebranding us as the leaders of the free world after eight years as the lepers of the freaked world. Our new President restored global diplomacy after our previous one couldn’t even spell diplomacy. Obama reminded us that somebody born with nothing can still become anything. Bush reminded us that a nothing born with everything can still become anything. Unfortunately, Junior left such a mess that we’re going to spend the next decade and many thereafter fixing his missteps. During the 2K decade, W definitely didn’t stand for win.
Why do we insist on slapping “gate” onto the end of a word to describe every single scandal? I’ve got one for you — Creativitygate!
If you mashed up a porn actress playing a sexy librarian, the Church Lady and Marge Gunderson from Fargo, you’d get a…veep nomination?
Celeb Couple Compound Nicknames
Brangelina. Bennifer. TomKat. F***ing Spiedi. Back in the day, people didn’t call Bogart and Bacall “Bogcall.” People were, um, serious back then.
SARS/Swine Flu > AIDS
Swine flu mortality rate: 0.026%. Percent of the world infected by HIV: 0.6%. Yet masks were more popular than condoms when both SARS and the big pig plague hit.
A Punchless Superman
In 2006, $270 million wasn’t enough to buy a punch. Superman Returns…and he’s a pussy.
Octomom. 14 kids equals 15 minutes of fame. Jared Fogle. Losing 240 pounds is worth millions. Joe the Plumber. Trying to stump a Dem on the stump makes you the GOP poster boy. The Gosselins. Sanjaya. Remember when actually having talent made you famous? I don’t.
Halle Berry’s Oscar
“Make me feel Good.” Berry’s Monster’s Ball Oscar award felt like a lot of white Academy members making themselves feel good. Thankfully, Denzel, Jamie and Forest came along and actually earned theirs.
That this former GM made millions to take the Detroit Lions to an imperfect 0-16 in the poorest city in America during a recession was, to quote a memorable 2000s commercial, a “traveshamockery.”
He’s like Richard Gere without the gray…or the acting ability.
And, yes, Tiger Woods
During the last gasp of the decade, we discovered we didn’t know its most famous athlete at all.Did you like this post? Leave your comments below!
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