Seven Terrible Ideas for Breakfast

[via divinecaroline] The notion that breakfast is the most important meal of the day is drilled into us from a young age. I’m inclined to agree—mornings are hard enough with an empty, hungry belly making things worse. Unfortunately, we don’t all have time to prepare and eat a healthy, balanced meal before work. The food industry recognizes this need and has responded with a plethora of prepared breakfast items we can grab and eat on the run. The product forerunners, like instant oatmeal and energy bars, are good in a pinch. But considering the edible monstrosities some companies are creating these days, it might just be better to skip that most important meal after all.

Liquid Cereal

Pouring things into bowls is the worst! Not to mention all that chewing—so much effort! Don’t you wish someone could chew the sugary cereal first, then put it into a soda can for your convenience? Yeah, me neither.

Jimmy Dean Pancakes & Sausage on a Stick

Jimmy Dean knows you don’t have time to make, let alone sit down to eat, a pancake-and-sausage meal in the morning. You don’t even have time to eat a bowl of cereal! That’s why he wrapped one around the other, stuck some blueberries on it (for you health nuts out there), and impaled it on a stick. Brilliant man, that Jimmy Dean.

Pop-Tarts Vanilla Milkshake

Now that Pop-Tarts have calcium, we can eat them knowing that we’re lowering our risk of osteoporosis and increasing our risk of diabetes in one meal! There’s nothing like starting your day right, especially when it involves something that tastes like a warm milkshake.

Lean Pockets Quesadilla Breakfast

Ever hear Jim Gaffigan’s stand-up bit about the addition of breakfast items to the Hot Pockets line? “You can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be dead by dinner.” And now there are Lean Pockets breakfasts for people who want to watch their calories without missing out on subsequent stomach issues. Incidentally, have the makers ever actually seen a quesadilla?

Bob Evans Original Frozen Sausage Gravy & Biscuits

If Bob Evans and Jimmy Dean ever teamed up, they’d rule the world with giant, greasy fists. Consuming a couple of biscuits with pork bits floating in a sea of grayish gravy sounds like an appropriate start to the day—but only if you planned on writhing in pain, clutching your abdomen, and cursing Bob Evans’ name for the rest of it.

Kraft Bagel-fuls Apple Cinnamon & Cream Cheese

Bagel-fuls are a fine idea in theory; bread with a bagel-like consistency filled with cream cheese and fruit filling isn’t terribly alarming. But considering it’s frozen, that means you have to heat it up, which also means the cream cheese and jelly will be scorching. Somehow, hot cream cheese just isn’t that appealing.

Post Honey Bunches of Oats Just Bunches

Finally, a cereal that cuts the crap and eliminates those boring corn flakes. I’ve been hoping for a corn syrup–laden alternative to all those cardboardlike cereals out there. Now I don’t have to automatically turn to Smorz, Reese’s Puffs, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Frosted Flakes, Cap’n Crunch, Froot Loops, Lucky Charms, Oreo O’s … and the list goes on and on.

Eating breakfast first thing jump-starts our metabolisms and minds—as long as what we’re eating isn’t any of these items. The only things these morning meals will jump-start are stomachaches, sugar crashes, and vows never to eat said products again. Clearly, even convenience can be too much of a good thing.

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