1. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
2. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
3. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
4. I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu' to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."
5. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
6. Bad decisions make good stories
7. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
8. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?
9. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
10. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
13. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
14. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
15. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
16. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we s till be friends after this?'
17. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
18. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
19. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
20. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
21. Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
22. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
23. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
24. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
25. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
26. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
27. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my ass20everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
28. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
29. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
30. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
31. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.
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