The Bizarre World Of American Grocery Bagging

I spend a lot of time at the supermarket these days.

It's amazing how often you go when you have kids. Every other day, my wife will turn to me and say, "Oh, shit! We're out of milk!" Or, "Oh, shit! We need eggs!" Or, "Oh, shit! You ate all the jam out of the jar again, you fat fuck!" And off I'll go. [via deadspin]

I swear, you can spend $100 in a grocery store, bring it home, put it all away, and not have any fucking clue what you just bought. I've done this before, where I'll get all the groceries, bring them home, realize I need lunch, open the fridge, and discover there's still nothing there for lunch. I spent $100, and all I can find to eat are bananas and scallions. It's annoying.

Every time I hit the store, my wife reminds me to bring cloth bags with me. These are the bags you buy for a buck each and reuse so you don't have to use plastic bags and kill all the penguins in Antarctica, or something like that. I never remember to bring these things, and subconsciously, it's because I don't really want to. I know plastic bags will kill the world for future generations. But I don't REALLY give a shit. Fuck ‘em. I won't be around. Sink or swim, children.

If they really don't want you to use plastic bags in the grocery store, they should get rid of them. Or they should charge you for them, like Bloomberg wanted to do in New York. Fucking fascist.

I'm the kind of person who never changes unless forced to. I remember I was in England once, and I went to a grocery store. And when I went to checkout, I realized that British supermarkets make you bag your own groceries. And that pissed me off, which is completely fucking insane when you think about it. "Oh, my God! I have to place these items in a bag myself? I can't do that! THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!" I'm so used to having the retard bagboy at the end of the aisle doing it that it never occurred to me I have functioning arms that, you know, move, and allow me to get off my ass and do it myself.

So I bagged my own groceries there and quietly bitched to myself about it the whole time. Which is just the laziest, most stereotypical thing an American can possibly do while abroad. "I can't believe I went to a foreign country and things were different! Look at all this energy I'm wasting arranging cereal boxes to fit in this bag!"

This is doubly insane considering that, back here in the States, I will sit there and get all huffy when the retard bagboy bags the items poorly. "Hey, Pepe! Eggs don't go on the fucking bottom! Can I get another pissboy here on Aisle 6? I need someone with a bit more experience here." There are times when there's no bagboy at the end of the aisle, so I'll sit and WAIT while the clerk scans the items and then let them bag it all up. This is idiotic. I'm just sitting there, doing nothing. I could pitch the fuck in. But I don't. I sit and stare at the candy. "Ooh, Whatchamacallit. Haven't had one of those in a while. Hey Rita, you almost finished bagging King Drew's shit?"

American grocery stores are busy places. The reason there's a bagboy, in theory, is to keep things moving along quickly because there are a thousand people in there with a thousand things in their cart and only one fucking aisle open at any given time. And there are chicks with kids and and cripples on scooters all kinds of people that don't have free hands to bag the groceries or whatever. But I'm one of the lazy assholes who games the system and lets other people bag groceries for me simply because I don't want to go to the effort. And that's why this planet is utterly fucking doomed.

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