13 steps to survive a zombie attack in a Hollywood movie....

There are conventions like what the dude in Scream described for horror movies. Only slightly different in the Zombie genre.

Written by Clarence Meriweather

First, 4 plausible causes for the zombie outbreak

Viral — Simple cold strain + chemical advance = flesh eating zombies or Simple cold strain evolves due to advances in medicine and viral defense.

Created — Governing entity releases agent into populace for advancing their personal agenda (i.e. World domination, financial windfall as they have the only cure, Defense, no better army than a flshe eating, undead army)

Accident —Whoops… I didn’t know if I spilled this Experimental Agent A onto unsuspecting graveyard B that it would create a teeming horde of angry, flesh eating undead. Who knew?

Voodoo — ”As the shaman said the final words of the ancient spell he knew the men that stole his land and the land of his people would be cursed forever.” The Spell is cast. Shaman killed. Undead roam the earth. The end.

And now onto how to survive...

1. Shared experience.
There is a zombie outbreak usually in the airborne form of a virus or chemical spill. OMG, the dead have risen and they want to eat flesh. Wait, there is a whole buncha dead people coming towards my (school, housing development, church…) They can’t kill us all. The bright few that figure quickly that they need to get off of the street and find someplace safe, and quick.

2. Holding up in large space

This usually leads them to a place where they can lock these zombies out. Its nice if it has supplies food, water and weapons. Cable or internet access is a plus so they can listen to the devastation firsthand and add hopelessness to the equation. But the survivors have to know what the world has become and what the (CDC, Government, Armed Forces, Local Boy Scouts are doing to save their hides)

3. Securing space from zombies
Lock the doors, pull the window gates down, tables on the doors. The main word is barricade everything so not a fly can even get inside. Hopefully the surviving party splits off in twos to secure the doors and openings. Remember if you travel alone in horrorland…you die.

4. Finding supplies
If you are lucky you made it to the mall or Wally World. If not, Giant Eagle or k-Mart will do. Plenty food, water, shelter and supplies are here. No problem. Extra points for soil and planting supplies. You can plant a crop if you have someone in the surviving party who is good with that sorta thing. The only reason you gotta save grandma or the landscaping crew.

5. Suicide Mission averted/Memorial
Creating a plan to find other survivors/origin of the zombie outbreak. My momma/significant other/pet/etc…is still out there. I gotta go find them. Usually smarter heads prevail and you chalk them up as dead. Moment of sadness before…

6. Zombie among us

Someone inevitably always gets infected during convention 3 or 4 i.e. Someone gets bitten by an infect guinea pig or breathes in the virus from a tainted cake…something. The infected person NEVER tells anyone because they don't want to be killed immediately so it becomes a waiting game as to do they find out OR does that person change and doom the entire party. Person slowly changes but denies, denies, denies. Said they ate bad sushi or just need a bathroom break. Leader says fine but keeps close eye on that person.

7. Saving other survivors
(See convention 5.) Momma/significant other/pet/etc make it to the large secured area with hordes of Zombies on their tail. Survivors open doors, hole, air condition shaft, cargo bay door to let them in. This always leads to infection. (See convention 6.) But you can’t leave your momma out there with the zombies, can you?

8. Infected Survivors?
Making sure said survivors aren't infected; killing infected persons. Someone got bit, scratched, licked, inhaled some badness or something that makes them look like shit in a microwave. And the leader or the strong, silent second in charge points out the obvious. “If they stay here, we’re going to die.” It’s hard but fair. Goodbyes are said. Infected persons are shot just as they begin their thirst for brain matter and flesh. Survivors mourn but are relieved.

9. Reality Check
At some point the leader declares, “We cannot stay here because…”
A. We cannot secure this building, mall, room, office, house, etc
B. We have 2 months of supplies, we have to try and make it to the mall, Wal-Mart, my momma’s house, etc…
C. We are out of…water, food, space, guns, ammunition, patience…
D. Zombies are inside. We have to leave and go to a… (Army base, Relief Center, Survivor Colony, My momma’s house…)

10. Arming up
As the survivors are packing to leave they figure we have to find something to fight off the undead hordes. Usually they arm up with whatever they can find, s’why they usually go to (See convention 2.) a Mall or Wal-Mart or something like that.

Unfortunately no one ever remembers the Risk™ Asia Rule. RULE: The larger the country, the more difficult it is to secure. Think I’m lying, ply Risk™ and see.

11. The Unveiling

(See convention 6.) Remember this person? He spent the entire time wrapping a strange cold sore on his neck or the non-stop bleeding would on his inner thigh? Well this is his time to shine as he has successfully transitioned to full zombiehood. He will undoubtedly take a third of the survivor’s party out thus making them zombies and will now also create panic when as he starts.

12. The overrun

While trying to kill the mystery zombie, something always happens that allows the zombies that you had so effective holed up from to now come in your space and overrun with with thousands of undead. Example 1.—Person 1 shot the mystery zombie who fell on the door switch that raises all of the emergency gates on the mall. Zombies hearing the ruckus now swarm in droves with the taste of fresh brains dancing in their head. Example 2 — While chasing the mystery zombie to a secluded and private part of the office building that no one ever goes into. Muffled screams are heard as you suddenly remember what happened to the security and lawn keeping staff. Mayhem ensues straight to…

13. The escape
(See conventions 5, 9 & 10.) Well now our original surviving group has been whittled down by at least half. Zombies have overrun the area and its time to break camp. The weapons, remaining food, fuel and water are packed. If they are lucky the group found during securing the area (See convention 3.) some type of multi-person transportation vehicle. Either a mall van, Limo bus, School Bus, or Truck that will carry them, their supplies to another large, secured and hopefully well armed area. (See convention 2.)

And Finally, Repeat upon securing new location or until everyone is dead.


Clarence D. Meriweather makes no claims that he is a zombie expert. He is just a strange dude, creative writer and graphic designer that spends way too much time playing video games, rooting for losing Cleveland teams and thinking about death. He is not liable for financial compensation should you become dismembered, disemboweled or lose your life during a full scale zombie outbreak.

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