Most bedroom problems boil down to this: Men are microwaves and women are slow cookers.
With men, all you have to do is push a few buttons and we're hotter than a habanero. But with women, it's an all-day process. You have to buy the ingredients, mix them together, and then put everything in the pot and let it simmer . . . and simmer . . . and simmer.
That's why we're offering a microwave mentality for the Crock-Pot reality: quick, easy things you can do to make her heating speeds better match yours. Our suggestions take anywhere from a few seconds to a few minutes. The payoff? They'll quickly adjust her thermostat to high heat.
1. Buy Her a Silk Thong
A gift of lingerie is cliched, right? So twist it. Give it to her when you (seemingly) don't expect sex right then and there. Pass it under the table at a restaurant and ask her to go to the ladies' room and change into it. "It's a little naughty, but she has a chance to play back," says Joy Davidson, Ph.D., a relationship therapist in Seattle. Not recommended for a first date.
2. Embrace Her Until She Makes the Move to Leave
Good kissing tops most women's lists of turn-ons, but don't underestimate the heating power of a great hug, especially when she initiates it. "Let her know how much you savor it," says Lou Paget, author of 365 Days of Sensational Sex. Make it clear you don't want the hug to end.
3. Wear her Name
Women love to hear men use their names. The more unexpected the place—like in the middle of a sentence—the better. Better still, write her name on your shoulder, your hand, or anyplace she'll have a chance of spotting it. It's a tattoo without pain—one that gives only pleasure. "It will make her laugh and think you're so adorable," says Davidson. "It says, 'You matter.' "
4. Whisper into Her Ear
In public, at a party, tell her what you want to do to her later: "Tonight, I'm going to make you have as many orgasms as possible." For women, anticipating it can be as exciting as the actual event.
5. Skip the Flowers
Blooms at the office are overdone. If you want to stand out, send a card instead. "It's really the thoughtful things you do at nonsexual times that make a woman want you," says Paul Joannides, author of Guide to Getting It On! Go with a thank-you. Write out a few things you've never thanked her for—making breakfast on Sunday, cleaning your stubble out of the sink. An appreciated woman during the day is an appreciative woman at night.
6. Plant a Picture
Stash a photo of her in your wallet. She'll deny it, but all women rummage at some point. You might as well turn it to your advantage.
7. Say Why
Anyone can say, "I love you," so explain why. Maybe it's the way she nibbles at a KitKat, or how her nose scrunches when she drinks tequila. The more unique your reasons, the more special she'll feel.
8. Get Your Story Straight
For a happy ending (tonight and every night), remember the beginning: the details of your first meeting—where you were, what she was wearing, what you said, and how you felt. Recount them. Often.
9. Make Yourself Sick
Leave love notes around the house—in the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, under her pillow. That much sweetness might make you nauseous, but it'll make her feel like a lovesick teenager.
10. Apply Her Lipstick
"Grooming a woman is kind of a role reversal," says Linda De Villers, Ph.D., a California sex therapist and author of Love Skills: A Fun, Upbeat Guide to Sex-cessful Relationships. "She's being doted on and served, and it shows that you think a certain part of her body is attractive." Other ideas: Shave her legs, paint her toenails, or brush or wash her hair. According to a menshealth.com poll of 3,200 men, 76 percent said they have shampooed their woman's hair.
And Men's Health readers don't waste their time on things that don't work.
11. Kiss and Lick Her Hinges
You've got the obvious kiss spots covered. Now concentrate your efforts elsewhere—on her elbows, knees, shoulders, ankles, neck, and hip joints. "They're rarely attended to with long caresses," says Davidson. "It's a super sensation." See if you can make her come unhinged.
12. Bear Fruit
Chocolate syrup and whipped cream get all the kinky play in movies. Instead, turn her body into a juicer. "The best foods for sex are fruits that you can rub onto the body, such as soft mango or papaya," says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., Ed.D., a sex therapist in California and author of 12 Steps to Everlasting Love. "Then devour both her and the fruit." Get sticky, shower, repeat. If you're Mickey Rourke, skip the shower.
13. And Berries
Forget coffee and toast—bring hot chocolate (a sexual stimulant for her) and raspberries and strawberries to bed. The berries replenish the zinc you lose when you ejaculate—5 milligrams, or a third of your daily requirement.
14. Try the No-Move Move
When you start foreplay, tell her you're not going to move on to another action until she tells you what to do next. This works physically and mentally: It's a way to encourage her to open up and direct you to what she really wants. Now, your turn.
15. Give Her a Massage
But make it interesting:
• In hot weather, roll a chilled can of soda along the backs of her thighs.
• In cool weather, warm a towel in the microwave for 10 seconds and massage her with it.
• Season her belly with a little salt, and then slowly lick it off. Add tequila to taste.
• Turn winter gloves inside out, put them on, and massage her with the soft side.
Check out the rest of the tips over at Men's Health
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