Who tastes dog food when it has a 'new & improved' flavor
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I don't understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blames it on the cost of living.
Do you ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If a man is in a forest talking to himself with no women around, is he still wrong?
Man's commonest fault is not knowing what he doesn't know.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.
The cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everyone should have a spouse, because there are a number of things that go wrong that one can't blame on the government.
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
One of the life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
If the cops arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Hermits have no peer group pressure.
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to serve as a horrible warning.
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.
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