8. THE BEST FRIEND BOSS
DESCRIPTION: This boss thinks that happy employees are productive employees. But, sadly, he also thinks treating you like one of his frat buddies will make you a happy employee. So he’s always inviting you out for drinks or over to his house on the weekends. What he doesn’t realize is that “hanging out” with your boss is a lot like “work.” And no one likes that.
BEST FRIEND BOSS: (As he’s playfully punching you in the arm.) What’s shakin’ sport?!?! You catch the game last weekend? Hoo boy, sure was a doozy. We missed you down at Applebee’s, man. It was seriously off the chizain. Yes!
YOU: Yeah…sorry I missed it. Sounds like a good time.
BEST FRIEND BOSS: No worries, pal. We can totally bro-down this weekend. (He gets you in a headlock.) I am not leaving Applebee’s until I see you pound a bucket of suds! Or your fired! I am totally kidding, bro. But you gotta show up, man. Yes!
YOU: Well, I was going to just watch the game with my kids. I don’t get to see them as often…
BEST FRIEND BOSS: Bring ‘em with you! Show ‘em what the old man can do!
YOU: But, I…
BEST FRIEND BOSS: (slowly lets you out of headlock) Hey, not to bring it down, but do you have those Jenkins files ready? I really need them for my quarterly report to the board of trustees this Friday.
YOU: I’m almost done with them. Should have them to you by Thursday.
BEST FRIEND BOSS: No problem, pal! Don’t want you think I’m “the man” or anything. I’m just one of you…the little cogs in the wheel. Yes sir. Salt of the earth. But seriously, Applebee’s! Think about it! Yes!
7. THE “WHAT DO YOU THINK?” BOSS
DESCRIPTION: They treat every decision in the office like they’re a 17-year-old girl at a slumber party deciding whether or not she should lose her virginity to her boyfriend of three and a half years. They have complete disregard for the fact that you might actually be working on something important, and instead interrupt you so that you can weigh in on whether or not the font on the business cards should be changed.
(You’re quietly working at your desk when a tap is heard on the wall next to you)
WHAT DO YOU THINK BOSS: Hey, you busy? Can I pick your brain real quick?
YOU: Actually, I’m right in the middle of-
WDYT BOSS: Soooo, I got this e-mail from corporate about this seminar for increasing productivity. They said I didn’t have to go, but I don’t know. What do you think?
YOU: I don’t know.
WDYT BOSS: They want me to go huh? They wouldn’t send it if they didn’t want me to, right?
YOU: I don’t know.
WDYT BOSS: Yeah, you’re right. I should definitely go. Thanks.
6. SILENT BROODING BOSS
DESCRIPTION: No matter what you do, this boss is always an impossible-to-read silent, stoic rock. Is he happy with what you’ve done or is he on the verge of firing you? You could turn in your best work yet, stay late, go the extra mile, but this boss never shows any gratitude and instead just treats you like a disappointed dad.
YOU: Here’s the report you asked for.
SILENT BROODING BOSS: …
YOU: I made collated color copies and bound them by hand using a rare Indonesian leather. I also created customized covers for everyone who will be at the meeting using their high school yearbook photo and 14 karat gold calligraphy.
SILENT BROODING BOSS: Leave it on my desk.
YOU: Also, I went ahead and paid for a sky writer to write the name of our client’s company in the sky right as the meeting is finished. I paid for it myself, just to cut costs, ya know. I’m always thinking about that.
SILENT BROODING BOSS: That will be all.
YOU: Tell me I did good
SILENT BROODING BOSS: What?
YOU: Sorry. I’ll be at my desk.
5. THE STAYS LATE AND MAKES YOU STAY LATE WITH HIM, BECAUSE HE HATES HIS FAMILY
DESCRIPTION: They receive several calls during the day from either their spouse, who’s upset at a derogatory comment they made last night about Patrick Dempsey’s character in Grey’s Anatomy, or from a teacher at their child’s school, complaining about their kid being caught “urinating in the 4th graders Guinea Pig cage.” After they receive the call, they normally walk outside their office and let you know that it will be a late night tonight because of some project that twenty five seconds ago either didn’t exist, or was previously thought to have been finished. If you ask any questions whatsoever as to why you’re staying late, be prepared to feel the anger of 20 years of a shitty marriage.
(Stay late boss exits his office and takes a deep breath, standing silent for a couple seconds. Walks over to your desk.)
STAY LATE BOSS: Where do we keep records of our paid accounts.
YOU: On the computer.
SLB: We should have hard copies. Have everyone print them out in quadruplicate, starting with 2003. Let’s file one set by name, one by date, one by amount paid, and one by thickness. This has to be done before we leave.
YOU: Is it possible we could tackle this tomorrow? Just because some of us had plans to go see-
SLB: You don’t think I have plans? You think I wanna be here instead of home with my family that I love?
SHIT WORK BOSS: Hey John, can you come into my office when you get a second?
YOU: Sure thing.
SHIT WORK BOSS: Oh, and on your way in, could you bring me a double espresso with two Splenda and just a little bit of skim milk?
YOU: We don’t have an espresso maker here. I’d have to go out to get that.
SHIT WORK BOSS: Thanks.
3. THE MICRO-MANAGER BOSS
DESCRIPTION: This boss treats his employees like they’re a group of mentally retarded campers that have been taken to a water park for the day. Every time you are given even the smallest task, the micro-manager checks up on you five minutes later just to make sure that you didn’t go way off track when he told you to put a list of 11 names in alphabetical order. Then after he’s made you feel a baby being told how to make doody, he tries to smooth it over by saying he was just looking out for you.
(You’re just about to hit “COPY” on the copy machine)
MICRO-MANAGER BOSS: Hey, you set the machine to color right?
YOU: Yeah, you said color copies.
MB: Right, so you hit the button for color, before you hit the copy button?
MB: And then you typed a 1 and a 5 for fifteen copies, because if you don’t do that, it doesn’t know how many copies to make.
YOU: (clenching teeth) Yes.
MB: K, cool, do your thing. Just wanted to make sure everything was cool and you didn’t have to do any extra work. These fully automated copy machines are a little crazy.
2. BOSS WHO TAKES ALL THE CREDIT
DESCRIPTION: No matter how many weekends you come into the office or late nights you put in on a project, this boss steals all the credit for your hard work. Despite coming up with zero ideas and putting no actual work into creating your latest report, he/she always uses the “I” instead of “We” when presenting it to his superiors.
(In a conference room with the President of your company)
BOSS WHO TAKES ALL THE CREDIT: After a lot of long weekends and countless long nights here at the office, I finally got the Primus Telecommunications Account finished. And I can tell you, all my hard work paid off.
PRESIDENT OF YOUR COMPANY: Well done. We really appreciate all the time and energy you spent on this. If this goes well, I can safely say you’ll be looking at a promotion. I don’t know how you do all this by yourself. You should probably hire a few more people to help you out.
BOSS WHO TAKES ALL THE CREDIT: What can I say, I love to work, sir.
YOU: Ahhh, shit.
1. THE PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BOSS
DESCRIPTION: They’re terrified of actual confrontation, so instead they just make snide comments about your performance, until you give the desired answer they’re looking for. Then once you respond seriously and they’re aware their passive aggression has forced you into doing what they want you to do, they question loudly to other co-workers as to why you’re unable to take what was so clearly a perfectly crafted joke.
(You’re walking out the door at 6:15)
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BOSS: Hey, tryin’ to catch happy hour, huh?
YOU: No, actually my daughter’s sick and I wanted to get home a little early.
PAB: That’s cool, I’ll just knock out those reports for you buddy.
YOU: I’m gonna finish up those reports at home.
PAB: Whoooaaaa! Lighten up guy! I’m just messing with you! (points to you as he looks to other employees) Look at this guy, Mr. serious! Haha!Found this Post interesting? Discover more Curious Reads.